3 Years

I remember when 3 years used to sound like an eternity. 1,095 days – give or take – consistently, that just reads like a long time. And now as I sit quietly and think, all of those days have gone by quicker than anything I could have ever imagined.

On November 28, 2008 – I married my best friend, (queue gagging sounds here), and he is certainly the Lord’s greatest gift to me. There is no doubt in my mind that he was made for me. If you know Adam, you know that he is one of the most strongest, loyal, gracious, patient, kind, intelligent, and amazingly creative men you will ever meet. All of those qualities God put in one man to teach me a bit about myself 🙂 He surprises me on a daily basis with his quiet humility and thoughtfulness. To say I am blessed is a ridiculous understatement. I cannot wait to see him with our son. I am ecstatic to become a mom, but there is something so unique about a wife watching her husband become a father, and those qualities in him will give our son lots to look up to – and for that I am truley thankful.

Happy 3+ Years Sug – love you more than anything!

Summer 2004

December 2004

Spring 2005

Fall 2005

December 2006

Summer 2007

Spring 2008

Summer 2008

November 28, 2008

Back on the Wagon…with an extra passenger on the way

We are so excited to be expecting the newest member of the Ashworth/Pereira/LeCroy family come March 2, 2012. Adam and I have had a blast telling people one by one over the last 6 weeks or so. Their reactions have been priceless and I cannot wait to tell this little one about all the people that could not wait to meet them. Some of them have been sweet and precious, others have been down right ridiculous.

Favorite baby revealing stories thus far:

Chris: The picture above was taken as a way to tell my brother since he lives in NYC. He guessed before he even opened the image on his computer. Ever since then he has been subliminally sending us names of his nephew. Moses is his favorite thus far.

Liz and Stacey: I told both of these ladies individually early on for a couple reasons: 1. I couldn’t keep it in, and 2. I knew that if anything happened to this little one – I wanted them there and I wanted them to know and be a partner in prayer with Adam and I. Both moments were precious and so memorable. I was actually able to tell Liz when she was pregnant, so technically these two met invitro (sp?).

Laura & Amy: Every Monday night some of my girlfriend’s and I watch The Bachelorette (a whole other post entirely) and I revealed the news to them since Liz and Stac already knew the news. Immediately when I pulled up the image above, Amy starts screaming in excitedment before she even sees the last picture. Laura gets stuck on the first photo questioning why on earth I would let someone take a photo of me devouring ice cream. We had to explain it to her…hilariousness!

Pereira Family: This one might be my favorite story. My extended family was all up in Dallas for my cousn Caitlin’s wedding. A quick sidebar – my family is the loud obnoxious family at a wedding. Complete with dancing circles, synchronized cousin dances, and break dancing via Adam and Jake. We have a blast each and every time and love the chance to get together. So the only people that new in Dallas were my parents, Chris, and my cousin Jess and her husband. We weren’t originally planning on telling them at that time, but felt that in the end it was great opportunity to tell family face to face where we never would have had the chance before. So once the bride and groom exited in the limo, Chris called the entire family to the dancefloor for a family picture. Before Chris took the photo he made it clear that everyone needed to repeat exactly what he said. The pictures below are the result of everyone repeating, “Adam and Lindsey are pregnant.” We had to explain the news to grandma later, she was a little confused 🙂

We are so so excited, and can’t wait for the days and months to come!

Goodbyes…

I’m not really good at saying goodbye, I never have been.

My grandpa died last Tuesday in the morning. My family had been expecting it, he had had lung cancer for quite some time, and somehow kept beating the odds. I wasn’t very close to him, and I’m sad that I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye.

I went up to their house in Indiana on Tuesday afternoon with my dad, meeting my brother and mom up there. Even though I hadn’t been to their house in some time (9 years or so I think), a world of memories rushed in the moment we pulled into the driveway. The smell of a warm home with a tinge of cigarette smoke. The way it sounds when you walk from the front living room, to the kitchen, down the step to the back room where my grandpa would sit on the corner of the couch, cigarette in hand, watching TV, usually some sort of car race.

He didn’t want a service or anything like that, so we didn’t have one. We gathered as a family and hung out at the house. I didn’t say much, I didn’t know what to say. It seemed so strange without him there. The TV was still on, and the sounds and smells were still there, but he wasn’t. I loved my grandpa very much. He always wanted me to visit more, but I was always busy. Isn’t that the way life is? We are always too busy. Too busy for hello, how are you? Too busy for, I’m sorry, just too busy.

When I was little we used to visit my grandparents quite a bit. My grandpa built old cars. He had 2 thunderbirds from the 1950’s and a 1964 1/2 Ford Mustang. Every time I went to visit, we would get in one of the cars, he always let me choose, they were all convertibles, so it made the choice quite difficult, and off we would go to Dairy Queen for ice cream. I remember one time I think it was my mom wouldn’t let me ride in one of the cars because they didn’t have seatbelts in it. He was upset because the car was not originally made with seatbelts, but he installed them anyways so that we could ride in it. When I turned 16 he gave the 64 1/2 Mustang to me as a present so that I could have a Mustang to drive like my mom did when she was young. My parents thought better of this and purchased a slightly updated version of the car that was probably more reliable. The Mustang was by far my favorite of the 3 cars, it was the one I requested the most. I took one of my senior pictures with it, don’t laugh….

When my parents bought their Harleys up in Indiana we all went to the bike shop together. He tried to buy me a motorcycle because he thought I should have one. (My mom raced motorcycles when she was younger). My mom talked him out of this one, probably a good thing since I seem to have issues riding bikes into stationary objects and I fell off of my road bike no less than 5 times while trying to figure out the dang clips. But he tried. He loved me a lot, he loved all his grandkids a lot. He had his own way of showing it, and I forgot that for awhile, but he never changed he was always the same grandpa, and I miss him.

Goodbye grandpa, I’m sorry it took me so long, I love you!
Linds

Christmas Program Scorecard…

So I have been slightly obsessed with this new blog lately, which should explain why my blog lies completely bare of new and original material. It’s called Stuff Christians Like. Hope you enjoy!___________________________________________________________________________________________

It’s getting to be that time of year when churches across the country, across the world even, think about how to best impress everyone.

That’s right, I’m talking about the annual Christmas program competition. Not the Christmas service that your church does only on Sunday morning, but the programs that are meant to rival Broadway productions.

Okay, okay… it might not be an official competition. But there are only so many families out there, and they’re going to go to only one Christmas program each. So churches have to step it up for the big show. In preparation for all this, I present to you this scorecard. This will help to rate whichever Christmas show you do end up watching. Or, if you’re putting together a show, this may help you make it even better.

The Christmas Program Scorecard:

1. It requires tickets: +3 points

2. The tickets cost money: -1 point for every $10 of face value

3. They remember that you got tickets last year and they send you a flyer with information about this year’s show: +3

4. …and they email you too: +1

5. …and they call you: -5

6. …and someone in a sweater that has real bells attached to goes door to door to sell those tickets: -10

7. They have extra signs in the parking lot to direct traffic: +2

8. They have people throughout the parking lot directing traffic: +1 for each person along your route

9. They have people wearing festive Christmas elf hats: +1

10. They have people wearing God-focused wise men outfits directing traffic: +10

11. They have people throughout the parking lot collecting the parking fee: -1 for each dollar

12. The coat rack is right next to the front door, creating a logjam of people: -2

13. The one person helping expedite the coat rack is “Chatty McChatterson,” completely slowing down your egress: -5

14. There is a program/bulletin with the list of scenes: +2

15. …and it lists an intermission: +3

16. One of the songs is “Happy Birthday Jesus”: +1

17. …and it is a solo by a little girl: +1

18. …and she hits all the notes: +3

19. The manger scene has real animals: +5

20. …and they enter from the back, walking down the aisles to get to the stage: +1 for each animal

21. …and one or more of them get out of hand and cause a scene: -1 for each audience member hurt

22. …but someone films it and it blows up on youtube and makes your church, “Internet famous” for four days: +10

21. The manger scene has the three wise men: -3 (because they arrived years later, that’s why)

22. …who are carrying real gold: +1

23. …and frankincense: +2

24. …and myrrh: +3

25. You even know how to tell real myrrh from fake myrrh: +5 points for yourself

26. The angel who delivers messages to Mary/Joseph/shepherds descends from above the stage on some sort of precariously rigged harness system: +3

27. The whole angel choir descends from above: +1 point for each angel

28. The pastor goes on stage just before the final song/scene and thanks everyone for being there: +1

29. …and tells them how to learn more about the church: 0 points (required element)

30. …and launches into a 45 minute sermon: -1

Scoring:

0-10 points: Tryouts

Maybe they just started having a Christmas program, bless their hearts. It might have been a decent show, but keep scouting because there are better shows out there.

11-24 points: Minor League

The church is working hard and trying to make it. It might be a fun evening for the family, but it won’t get a contract unless it improves.

25+ points: Big League

Now this church knows how to put on a show! You had better hope that the success doesn’t go to its head and it starts demanding to be traded to Miami.

Did I miss any required elements? What do you wish churches did more of (or less of) in their Christmas programs?

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Top Memories from this weekend’s NY Trip…

Despite all rumors, I have not fallen off the face of the earth, just forgot the log-on to my blog. Not really, I actually have about 50 unwritten blog posts that were quite funny in my head, they just never quite made it to post.

So, in no particular order, here are my best memories from Adam & I’s trip to NYC last weekend to visit Chris:

1. Haloween Parade – we had press passes and were ‘photographers.’ So much fun, I was quite impressed with how much thought and how creepy these costumes were. They shut down 6th avenue and we were actually in the parade and could walk up and down the street away from the crowds that came to watch the parade – definitley the best way to see all the action.

2. Brooklyn for Life – Foresquare wasn’t working, so Adam didn’t get his badge 😦 But he certainly tried.

3. Red Hook – Amazing spot. Great coffee and breakfast at Fort Defiance, great area if you don’t mind being a little isolated, and the Fairway Market was unbelievable, I really got lost in there, we looked for the checkout line for like 5 minuites. Plus it had the largest IKEA I have ever seen in my life.

4. Apple cider and whiskey – Couldn’t even taste the whiskey, that’s how good it was. Probably pretty dangerous, but we only had a couple. Gonna try this recipe at home during Christmas.

5. Breakfast and Coffee at Prime Meats – Two words: Dippin’ Eggs.

6. Discovering pour over coffee – Stumptown was gracious enough to allow us to come in while they were closed. I never knew such outrageous coffee tools were available. You’ve heard of wine tasting, welcome to coffee tasting. Adam would probably say it smells like oak 🙂

7. My first black cup of coffee – yes you heard me right, black coffee. This occurred at Stumptown. So after the very nice gentleman went through quite an elaborate coffee making process complete with thermometers and scales, I politely asked for cream and sugar. Apparently this is the equivalent of asking for a white zinfindel at a wine tasting, or asking for a red bull and vodka at a bar that is known for its pisco sours and old fashions. He was super nice and told me I would like it. I had a few sips, not too bad, but I don’t think I’m quite there yet.

8. Looking for a Towel – Note: If you go and stay with Chris, you need to bring your own towel. And if you need to buy a towel because you didn’t bring one, CVS does not sell them and if you just keep walking you’ll find one eventually.

9. Cafe Habana – Best meal for two people under $20 in NYC. Grilled cuban corn, cuban sandwhich, and real Cokes.

10. The Stroller Brigade – I have never seen so many McClarin (sp?) strollers in all my life. In all my trips to NYC in the past, I have spent the majority of my time in Manhattan, coming to see Chris in Brooklyn brought with it a completely new side to the city, complete with a ton of small kids.

11. The Skuut Kids – If you see kids on these things, beware, they will take you out. This is the first time I have encountered the Skuut, it’s a wooden bike for kids 1-3 years old, and they fly on these things. Apparently, they’re awesome:

It was a great trip. I really enjoyed getting to see an entirely different side of NY, and especially getting to explore Brooklyn with Adam and Chris.

New Mercies

Yesterday was hard, really hard actually, but I cannot tell you the peace that has washed over me this morning. It is amazing the difference a morning can make. I cannot say thank you enough to those of you who prayed for us yesterday, I felt everyone. As Melody so sweetly said to me, “the gates of heaven were stormed in prayer on my behalf,” that was such an amazingly humbling and powerful thing to experience. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

For the first time since Wednesday night I experienced such a deep nights sleep. I have so desperatley needed that. That was probably in part playing a large role in my emotional exhaustion. And this morning I was SO renewed, my energy, my spirit, my hope, my joy, and I know that this is something ONLY the Lord can do. And this verse came to mind immediately as I awoke:

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him’.”
Lamentations 3:22-24

And then I remembered the verse about how the Lord singing over us, and although I did not hear an audible voice singing over me, I felt His peace and mercies washing over me, washing pain and sadness away. And then I got to work and found the verse…

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His live, HE WILL REJOICE OVER YOU WITH SINGING.”
-Zephaniah 3:17

I will be clinging to those verses today because they are true. There is such a comfort and peace in just knowing that the Lord has a special verse just for you. So I don’t know where you are in life, I certainly know that I am not the first woman to go through this struggle, and will definitely not be the last. And there are others who are in such unimaginable pain today – much worse than mine, and I will pray those verses over them and over you. For we serve a mighty God, who loves us, and loves to see His glory displayed through us. And I pray at the end of this struggle that is exactly what will happen, that the Lord will be glorified through Adam and I.

I know that this particular journey is not done. There will still be hard days and moments, but I will cling to these verses, I will choose hope and joy and peace because that is the Lord’s best for me and for you!

This Past Week

I have written this post many times in my head. Too many times probably. Each one has a different outcome, a different lesson learned, a different piece of wisdom to hang on to, but none of them were quite right. Writing has always been a catharsis for me, and I guess some of you might ask yourselves, “Why on earth is she writing this on her blog?” And I guess my answer to that question would be is that I need to, I’ve found it way too easy this last week to be quiet and isolated and alone, which is not a place that I am used to living. Let me start from the beginning…

The weekend before last Adam and I went to Colorado to visit my cousin and her husband. While we were there I kept noticing that something wasn’t quite right. Without going into too many details, I knew that there was a chance I could be pregnant. I’ve been diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and the doctor’s said that I would more than likely have a difficult time conceiving.

After being a week late and a handful of other symptoms we went home to Houston Sunday night and picked up 2 boxes of pregnancy tests. I was 50% sure I was pregnant, 25% excited, 10% just ready to know one way or the other, and 15% scared out of my mind. I took the test and without looking waited 3 min to find out if we were going to be parents.

We turned the tests over one by one, and 6 posititves later knew that we were pregnant. I remember in detail the rush of emotions/thoughts/fears/anxieties everything that came all at once like a freight train. I collapsed to the edge of the bathtub and cried in my husband’s arms for 15 minuites. Not neccesarily because I was completely shocked, but more so that I was completely overwhelmed. After we shared our tears together, Adam prayed the sweetest prayer I have ever heard. For the next two hours that evening I made grocery lists, to-do lists, lists of doctors to call, etc. We sat down together and made a phased list of who we would tell and when. We decided that we would tell only immediate family on Monday and then tell a few people the following weekend.

The next day Adam and I both took off work. He had a long doctor’s appointment previously scheduled Monday morning, so I spent the time researching, calling doctor’s, and finding out a way to tell our parent’s that evening. I found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant, and my due date would be October 29th, 2010.

Once Adam got home we headed to Target to pick out a couple gifts for our parents. Adam’s parent’s already have a grandson, so we couldn’t quite use the “world’s greatest grandparent’s” shirt on them. We picked out a few things and anxiously headed to my parent’s house. To say my parent’s were shocked would be an understatement. My dad immediately opened a bottle of wine and pulled up a chair to sit down, it was really cute. My mom, being who she is ran down her list of questions to ensure that we would be the most well-equipped parents ever. The thought of having a baby around the holidays with our family was so exciting. Adam’s parents were equally as excited. I will never forget that evening. The excitement was still so raw for us, almost palpable I’m sure. Everything seemed different.

The next day was hard, really hard. I was scared out of mind. I had no idea how I was going to be a mom. I mean I have a hard time now getting things done with Adam and Emme, let alone adding a child to the mix. I wasn’t ready to explore my identity as a mom. I wasn’t ready to give up the time of it just being Adam and I. I just wasn’t ready. By the end of Tuesday I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep. I had a huge headache and couldn’t take Advil, I just was not a happy camper. My emotions were even more raw then they had been Sunday or Monday and I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive (does this sound at all a little melo-dramatic). After another sweet prayer by my husband, I think I fell asleep at 7pm that night.

The next morning I woke up, and like the two previous mornings before felt like this all had to be a dream. Reminded by the subtle symptoms of pregnancy, I moved on through my day. Wednesday was different. I felt better. Adam and I had talked, and I knew we could do this. It was like I had this whole new energy, even though I really wanted to crawl under my desk and take a 5 hour nap, I was excited. I had made all the doctor’s appointments and couldn’t wait to see our little doodlebugs heartbeat. That’s what we had named the little one. Adam was convinced it was a little boy, I think I was too. That evening I went to the grocery store and was on a mission to feed this little one only the healthiest and most organic food in the world, I was just so excited.

Thursday was the same thing. I was just excited, really really excited. I couldn’t stop researching about the baby. I had a whole folder of sites that I had a hard time not visiting all through out the day. I was calling Adam and my mom every 10 minuites telling them about the newest and greatest thing that I had just uncovered. It was a sweet day. And then in the afternoon I started spotting. I ignored it for a few hours, but then figured I should just call the doctor to make sure everything was ok. They made an appointment immediately for the next day, and said it might not be anything, but that it could possibly be a miscarriage.

I noticed I was having dull cramps, I knew something wasn’t right. I researched everything I could about miscarriages, I didn’t have all the symptoms, but that brought little relief. I went home early that afternoon and Adam and I went over to Matthew & Lizi’s to get some encouragement and advice. I was still spotting and internally freaking out. But there was nothing I could do, nothing at all.

The next day was Friday. I woke up that morning crying. I begged God to not take this baby. I wanted this baby, this was our doodlebug, this was my baby. But I couldn’t change anything. Adam and I prayed that morning and headed to the doctor’s office. I prayed for a miracle, and hoped that this was all just some fluke, no big deal. When she did the sonogram I wasn’t surprised, there was no baby anymore. I had a miscarraige. I cried for awhile on the phone with my mom, I held my husband tighter than I ever had before. I had no idea how to process this, I have never experienced a loss of any kind. My grandfather died when I was 2, and that’s really the closest I’ve come to loss.

That evening we told David & Sarah, and there was not a lot of emotion from my side. I felt very logical about the whole thing, trying to understand what my body was doing, what it was in the process of. When we got home that night I broke down, and then I woke up Saturday morning crying. Not knowing how to make this stop. How do you make the hurt go away? How do I process these hormones and emotions that are coursing through my body? My parent’s came by that afternoon and took us out to dinner. It was nice to get away from the house, to forget for awhile. And then every once in awhile it would hit me, out of no where, I saw a sesame seed on the table at dinner and was reminded of the picture I saw from the website where it compares your babies size to a quarter, and it said my baby was the size of a sesame seed. Things like that, where I wasn’t expecting to feel anything.

That night Adam and I stayed in, it was nice. We watched a movie and just relaxed. He had to wake up early for work and I couldn’t fall asleep. As I tossed and turned, thought and cried, Adam gently took me by the hand out to the couch to fall asleep to a movie. He didn’t want me to be alone and understood the mental turmoil that was going on. Sunday was much the same thing, on and off again. Adam and I both were wiped out. Thankfully, we both have very understanding supervisors who gave us off on Monday just to relax, and that’s what we did. We checked back in with the doctor, and checked to ensure the miscarriage was complete. I slept for a good chunk of the afternoon as Adam wrapped up some homework and other things he had to do.

Last night I had some time to process some things. I came face to face with this thing I have never understood called depression. I’ve talked a couple people about it, but I can feel the temptation of it. The desire to shut-down emotionally and physically. To sleep and not process. To hide and not talk. To put on the logical face when people ask how I’m doing which is what is easiest. To pretend that I’m fine, that I’m ok when people ask. I never understood this before at all, but I feel this spiritual battle going on internally. My flesh wants to stop becuase it’s worn out of feeling, of dealing, of processing. But I know this is not from the Lord. It is not, and I have to claim that every time those feelings come wash over me like a huge wave, and instead of fighting to swim I just want to give up. That is not the Lord’s best for me.

So today I’m working at, I’m telling people, I’m sharing. Not to get pity or sympathy because to be honest I would rather not tell people. It’s a very awkward discussion to have. I almost have to rush through the first part of “we found out we were pregnant” because people get confused. I don’t like it, but I need to share. I am comforted by the peace that I serve a Soveriegn God. That this was not a fluke, that He was not surprised by my tears or my pain this week. He was in control the whole time, not me. There is not one thing that I could have done differently that would have changed the outcome of this, not one thing. And in His soveriegnty is where I find peace. I know that this is a process, and I am forever changed from this experience. I am blessed that this happened early on, and yes this happens to a lot of woman, but as I’m sure each of those women will tell you, this was our baby. And we will miss our doodlebug forever until we meet them in heaven.

One thing that I have to say is that I do have the most amazing husband in the world. This experience has brought us closer than anything we have ever walked through together. He is such a stabalizing force in my life and has been such a shelter for me this past week. We have talked and prayed together in ways that we never have before. He has so graciously taken the role of being the spiritual leader of our house, and there is something so comforting in that. I praise God for such an amazing husband. I love you Adam.

Thank you for enduring my transparency, thank you for your thoughts and prayers during this time. We covet them and they mean more to us than we can say.