I have written this post many times in my head. Too many times probably. Each one has a different outcome, a different lesson learned, a different piece of wisdom to hang on to, but none of them were quite right. Writing has always been a catharsis for me, and I guess some of you might ask yourselves, “Why on earth is she writing this on her blog?” And I guess my answer to that question would be is that I need to, I’ve found it way too easy this last week to be quiet and isolated and alone, which is not a place that I am used to living. Let me start from the beginning…
The weekend before last Adam and I went to Colorado to visit my cousin and her husband. While we were there I kept noticing that something wasn’t quite right. Without going into too many details, I knew that there was a chance I could be pregnant. I’ve been diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), and the doctor’s said that I would more than likely have a difficult time conceiving.
After being a week late and a handful of other symptoms we went home to Houston Sunday night and picked up 2 boxes of pregnancy tests. I was 50% sure I was pregnant, 25% excited, 10% just ready to know one way or the other, and 15% scared out of my mind. I took the test and without looking waited 3 min to find out if we were going to be parents.
We turned the tests over one by one, and 6 posititves later knew that we were pregnant. I remember in detail the rush of emotions/thoughts/fears/anxieties everything that came all at once like a freight train. I collapsed to the edge of the bathtub and cried in my husband’s arms for 15 minuites. Not neccesarily because I was completely shocked, but more so that I was completely overwhelmed. After we shared our tears together, Adam prayed the sweetest prayer I have ever heard. For the next two hours that evening I made grocery lists, to-do lists, lists of doctors to call, etc. We sat down together and made a phased list of who we would tell and when. We decided that we would tell only immediate family on Monday and then tell a few people the following weekend.
The next day Adam and I both took off work. He had a long doctor’s appointment previously scheduled Monday morning, so I spent the time researching, calling doctor’s, and finding out a way to tell our parent’s that evening. I found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant, and my due date would be October 29th, 2010.
Once Adam got home we headed to Target to pick out a couple gifts for our parents. Adam’s parent’s already have a grandson, so we couldn’t quite use the “world’s greatest grandparent’s” shirt on them. We picked out a few things and anxiously headed to my parent’s house. To say my parent’s were shocked would be an understatement. My dad immediately opened a bottle of wine and pulled up a chair to sit down, it was really cute. My mom, being who she is ran down her list of questions to ensure that we would be the most well-equipped parents ever. The thought of having a baby around the holidays with our family was so exciting. Adam’s parents were equally as excited. I will never forget that evening. The excitement was still so raw for us, almost palpable I’m sure. Everything seemed different.
The next day was hard, really hard. I was scared out of mind. I had no idea how I was going to be a mom. I mean I have a hard time now getting things done with Adam and Emme, let alone adding a child to the mix. I wasn’t ready to explore my identity as a mom. I wasn’t ready to give up the time of it just being Adam and I. I just wasn’t ready. By the end of Tuesday I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was sleep. I had a huge headache and couldn’t take Advil, I just was not a happy camper. My emotions were even more raw then they had been Sunday or Monday and I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive (does this sound at all a little melo-dramatic). After another sweet prayer by my husband, I think I fell asleep at 7pm that night.
The next morning I woke up, and like the two previous mornings before felt like this all had to be a dream. Reminded by the subtle symptoms of pregnancy, I moved on through my day. Wednesday was different. I felt better. Adam and I had talked, and I knew we could do this. It was like I had this whole new energy, even though I really wanted to crawl under my desk and take a 5 hour nap, I was excited. I had made all the doctor’s appointments and couldn’t wait to see our little doodlebugs heartbeat. That’s what we had named the little one. Adam was convinced it was a little boy, I think I was too. That evening I went to the grocery store and was on a mission to feed this little one only the healthiest and most organic food in the world, I was just so excited.
Thursday was the same thing. I was just excited, really really excited. I couldn’t stop researching about the baby. I had a whole folder of sites that I had a hard time not visiting all through out the day. I was calling Adam and my mom every 10 minuites telling them about the newest and greatest thing that I had just uncovered. It was a sweet day. And then in the afternoon I started spotting. I ignored it for a few hours, but then figured I should just call the doctor to make sure everything was ok. They made an appointment immediately for the next day, and said it might not be anything, but that it could possibly be a miscarriage.
I noticed I was having dull cramps, I knew something wasn’t right. I researched everything I could about miscarriages, I didn’t have all the symptoms, but that brought little relief. I went home early that afternoon and Adam and I went over to Matthew & Lizi’s to get some encouragement and advice. I was still spotting and internally freaking out. But there was nothing I could do, nothing at all.
The next day was Friday. I woke up that morning crying. I begged God to not take this baby. I wanted this baby, this was our doodlebug, this was my baby. But I couldn’t change anything. Adam and I prayed that morning and headed to the doctor’s office. I prayed for a miracle, and hoped that this was all just some fluke, no big deal. When she did the sonogram I wasn’t surprised, there was no baby anymore. I had a miscarraige. I cried for awhile on the phone with my mom, I held my husband tighter than I ever had before. I had no idea how to process this, I have never experienced a loss of any kind. My grandfather died when I was 2, and that’s really the closest I’ve come to loss.
That evening we told David & Sarah, and there was not a lot of emotion from my side. I felt very logical about the whole thing, trying to understand what my body was doing, what it was in the process of. When we got home that night I broke down, and then I woke up Saturday morning crying. Not knowing how to make this stop. How do you make the hurt go away? How do I process these hormones and emotions that are coursing through my body? My parent’s came by that afternoon and took us out to dinner. It was nice to get away from the house, to forget for awhile. And then every once in awhile it would hit me, out of no where, I saw a sesame seed on the table at dinner and was reminded of the picture I saw from the website where it compares your babies size to a quarter, and it said my baby was the size of a sesame seed. Things like that, where I wasn’t expecting to feel anything.
That night Adam and I stayed in, it was nice. We watched a movie and just relaxed. He had to wake up early for work and I couldn’t fall asleep. As I tossed and turned, thought and cried, Adam gently took me by the hand out to the couch to fall asleep to a movie. He didn’t want me to be alone and understood the mental turmoil that was going on. Sunday was much the same thing, on and off again. Adam and I both were wiped out. Thankfully, we both have very understanding supervisors who gave us off on Monday just to relax, and that’s what we did. We checked back in with the doctor, and checked to ensure the miscarriage was complete. I slept for a good chunk of the afternoon as Adam wrapped up some homework and other things he had to do.
Last night I had some time to process some things. I came face to face with this thing I have never understood called depression. I’ve talked a couple people about it, but I can feel the temptation of it. The desire to shut-down emotionally and physically. To sleep and not process. To hide and not talk. To put on the logical face when people ask how I’m doing which is what is easiest. To pretend that I’m fine, that I’m ok when people ask. I never understood this before at all, but I feel this spiritual battle going on internally. My flesh wants to stop becuase it’s worn out of feeling, of dealing, of processing. But I know this is not from the Lord. It is not, and I have to claim that every time those feelings come wash over me like a huge wave, and instead of fighting to swim I just want to give up. That is not the Lord’s best for me.
So today I’m working at, I’m telling people, I’m sharing. Not to get pity or sympathy because to be honest I would rather not tell people. It’s a very awkward discussion to have. I almost have to rush through the first part of “we found out we were pregnant” because people get confused. I don’t like it, but I need to share. I am comforted by the peace that I serve a Soveriegn God. That this was not a fluke, that He was not surprised by my tears or my pain this week. He was in control the whole time, not me. There is not one thing that I could have done differently that would have changed the outcome of this, not one thing. And in His soveriegnty is where I find peace. I know that this is a process, and I am forever changed from this experience. I am blessed that this happened early on, and yes this happens to a lot of woman, but as I’m sure each of those women will tell you, this was our baby. And we will miss our doodlebug forever until we meet them in heaven.
One thing that I have to say is that I do have the most amazing husband in the world. This experience has brought us closer than anything we have ever walked through together. He is such a stabalizing force in my life and has been such a shelter for me this past week. We have talked and prayed together in ways that we never have before. He has so graciously taken the role of being the spiritual leader of our house, and there is something so comforting in that. I praise God for such an amazing husband. I love you Adam.
Thank you for enduring my transparency, thank you for your thoughts and prayers during this time. We covet them and they mean more to us than we can say.